Blade Runner, The Musical

I wrote this back in May and none of my friends thought it was funny. Or if they did, they didn't tell me after I emailed it to them. So I'm sticking it here in case somebody runs across it and appreciates it. Because I like it.

I should explain about the scene near the end. I told my brother I wanted to make a movie where Maggie Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst make out. You know, stictly for artistic reasons.

Based on the Tony and Grammy award-winning Broadway hit musical, I present

Blade Runner, the (Movie of the) Musical

Directed by Spike Lee
Written by Alan Moore and Michael Chabon
Special Artistic Consultants Tim Burton and Katsuhiro Ōtomo

Featuring the hit songs "Running the Blade" by Steely Dan, and "Nothing but a Knife Between Us" by Jonathan Coulton

As the credits lift, we are introduced through a montage of aerial shots and a placard to "New Orleans - 2050: two days before Mardi Gras". A jazz funeral plays a futuristic arrangement of "A Closer Walk to Thee" as it winds through a sci-fi French Quarter. This same jazz funeral appears periodically throughout the movie to tie scenes together (and it's, like, symbolic and stuff).

We track a trenchcoated man winding his way through the band until he finds another similar dressed man eating from a street vendor. These are Deckard (Scott Bakula) and Gaff (Jackie Chan). (Reviews call Chan's performance "The worst miscasting of an actor since Keanu Reeves in...everything). Gaff leads Deckard to his old boss Bryant (Joe Don Baker) who explains, through song, that Deckard must find and terminate "Four or five skin jobs. Give or take." Deckard agrees to do this provided Bryant never sings again.

Deckard and Gaff head on over to meet the creator of the replicants, Tyrell (Richard O'Brien) who introduces them to his assistant Rachael (Maggie Gyllenhaal). The two of them explain about Voight-Kampf to the tune of a horrible zydeco number called "Replicant Applicant", performed by Devo, with a robotic Weird Al on accordion.

Pris (Kirsten Dunst) learns about and then go visit the building of J.F. Sebastian (William H. Macy), which is in the ruined and abandoned former ninth ward (referred to in the film as "the back nine"). He gives her a tour of her apartment, and we get to see his midget and proto robots (which include cameo's by midget Mark Hammill, Peter Jackson, and Ron Perlman). Pris sings "Running the Blade" to explain the situation.

Deckard ploddingly follows the case, dodging drunken frat boys ramping up for the big third act Mardi Gras party. He is visited by Rachael, who learns she is a replicant, and they sing the touching "Nothing but a Blade Between us". He then hits the streets and has his fight sequence with Leon and a trio of backup assassin robots he brought with him for good measure (The Rock and The Rockettes). They sing an Indian dance-pop arrangement of "Helpless Automaton" by Men At Work.

Leon's trail leads Deckard to a sleazy bar run by Vic Vacendak (Mick Jagger). The bar is full of holiday celebrants; it is a long time before Deckard can work his way across the bar. During that time he sees Vacendak make out with Zhora (Rae Dawn Chong) and reasons "You'd have to be a replicant to do that." So he shoots her. Vacendak sings a delta blues song about losing yo' woman to the man, plus yo' woman turn out to be a low-down cheatin' robot.

Back at Sebastian's, Roy Batty (Christopher Walken) arrives and explains to Pris that they are the only two left. They sing the a capella duet "Batty for You". Roy then heads to Tyrell's for their big confrontation. They reprise "Batty For You"; now the chess pieces come to life for a combination battle and dance number on the rooftop of the Tyrell building during a torrential early morning thunderstorm. It is the film's biggest setpiece. As Batty kills Tyrell, the storm breaks and Batty can see the parade beginning in streets below him.

Deckard takes Rachael to Sebastian's where they find Pris. She claims to be a "totally human" prisoner of Batty. Deckard bemoans having to do the stupid Voight-Kampf test again. However, Rachael explains that there is an easier way; she is equipped to detect other repicants by sampling their body fluids. Deckard convinces Rachael and Pris to make out. Rachael says that Pris is a replicant, but Deckard loudly announces that he's not convinced. "You'd better repeat the test." This goes on for several minutes. Deckard eventually allows Pris to live if she'll reveal what Batty is up to.

Deckard rushes off to the Tyrell building; he lands just too late to save Tyrell. He and Batty engage in an epic duel. It's a rooftop-to-rooftop chase above and occasionally through the Mardi Gras parade. Deckard is silent; Roy is singing the maniacal "Running the Blade". Eventually the movie plays about about the same as the original. Deckard slips while jumping from a balloon to a building; Batty saves him; Batty makes his famous speech.

Deckard learns that Rachael and Pris have run off together. He joins the parade, and is lost forever in the crowd. As the credits roll we are treated to outtakes of Jackie Chan injuring himself several times, even though he didn't have any stunts in this film.