Dinner Party Story #2

This second Dinner Party Story is about how Hiroko and I met. Here's the first story, if you missed it.

You can't understand the story of Hiroko and I without understanding that we're both devoted Nichiren Buddhists. She's been a member for life, and was already very active as a local leader when I started going to meetings in 2002. In fact, she was at a couple of the very first meetings I went to, and we seemed to have a habit of running into each other.

But she pretty much disliked me. I don't blame her. I hadn't yet discovered and practiced the kind of self discipline this faith can provide. I thought my biggest problems were depression and aimlessness. Those masked more fundamental problems of distrust, doubt, and selfishness. I found Hiroko attractive, but only in the general sense that the despondent are attracted to anyone with a spark of life in them.

For two years I practiced Buddhism and had a lot of growth, but it was inconsistent. I was changing though, becoming generally more happy. I was starting to learn compassion and empathy as skills. I was starting to support those around me, really, listen and care.

At the end of 2003, I was doing a lot of Gajokai, but I wasn't yet in charge of the program. Since she was in the Byakuren, the equivalent young women's' program, we spent a fair amount of time together behind the desk. See this picture of her? Cuuuuuuuute!


I used to think she was quiet and reserved, since that's how she acted at the center. I teased her about it incessantly. It also meant she got to be witness to the big change Buddhism wrought in my life. She told me she was very glad to see an American so excited about the practice.

At the end of 2003, I went to the Florida Nature and Culture Center, a Buddhist weekend retreat and conservation site. It was a transformational experience, where I had a chance to meet hundreds of youths who all had the stand alone spirit to develop their compassion. I was witness to how Buddhism could be used to directly make the world better. I came back feeling responsible for my life and the lives of those I loved in a new way, and threw myself into my favorite activities. My entire life was very fit. My little brother David also began attending meetings at this time.

Hiroko noticed all these changes. One day when I was walking her to the train, she suddenly said, "You should call me up. I will come to your house if you make me dinner". She claims this wasn't an invitation to a date (yeah right) but the date was set for right after Thanksgiving.

Since I was (and am) a geek I knew nothing about inviting someone to dinner, so I spent an entire weekend quizzing my relatives (including my brother in law who loves to cook), buying new dishware and table settings, and cleaning house. The dinner (date?) went well and was soon repeated.

In March, we did a short tour of the Midwest including Kentucky's natural bridge park, and a John Mayer concert. Hiroko met my parents on this trip. On Memorial Day we went to Florida for my little brother's Gohonzon conferral, his formal induction into Buddhism. Here's a picture I love of us in a wharf restaurant:


On Labor Day, I asked Hiroko to marry me in the Signature Room of the John Hancock Building, during Navy Pier's last fireworks display of the season. The ring was inherited and Hiroko's the fourth generation of my family to wear it, so I purchased us a beautiful new altar instead. It better represents our relationship anyway.

It was a quick courting, but we both "just knew". And we were right. I didn't know it at the time, but we barely knew each other then. The real discoveries of marriage come well after the ceremony, and I'm definitely still learning. The deepening of trust and interdependence grows stronger all the time.

We got married in secret on April 28, in a short ceremony at the Chicago Culture Center. This was done to expedite Hiroko's visa. But the date was chosen because it was the first time Nichiren Daishonin chanted nam myoho renge kyo.

Our real marriage was on September 11 (yeah, I know, but it was cheaper), 2005. It's a long enough story to save for another time. It was a glory and a trial.

But one major challenge came between the betrothal and the marriage: meeting Hiroko's father. It's a story of epic proportions, and I will tell it next. Stay tuned.