Lilly Livered

Pitches from Lilly made my life so wonderful
Pitches from Lilly helped me sleep at night
Pitches from Lilly solved my childhood problems
Pitches from Lilly helped me feel alright
-- The Who (well, more or less)

Ok, so let's face it, for the last three years, the Cubs have been a mercenary team. Each year they've tried to buy themselves a title, Yankees-style, and each year they've been a little (okay, a lot) worse. They must be asking themselves, how much money does it take to win a title?

This year, after firing the management and facing a mass player exodus, they answered themselves: $136 million. That's how much they threw at Alfonso Soriano. Signing him made the Cubs a draw again. If the team's press releases are to be believed, Soriano's 9 1/2 feet tall, spits fire at opposing pitchers, and can hit home runs using only his mind. Anyway, it seems to have worked, because the other players have found faith. In a single week and for $230 million, the Cubs signed or re-signed Soriano, Ramirez, Miller, Blanco, Zambrano, Cotts, and DeRosa.

So fear not, Cubs fans! With a budget the size of Jim Hendry's heart condition, the franchise has created...er...well, pretty much the same sucky team as last year. PLUS SORIANO!! YEAH!!

One big problem though: we blew our whole wad and forgot to get a pitching staff. Is that important?

Thus, Ted Lilly.
Pros: He was available. Oh, and he's consistent. He'll pitch the whole season. Versus, say, coming down with a cold that keeps him from playing. Or developing some mysterious shoulder condition which benches him but lets him party 'till dawn all over town. Oh, and he's a lefty with variety and velocity. That's sorta good.
Cons: We gave him a 250% pay raise, so he'd better work out, because he'll be hard to dump. Oh, and he's completely unsuited for Wrigley. He's a popup pitcher who gives up a lot of walks, and has control/consistency problems. He needs a big field with no wind. Er...uh oh.
Wild Card: He's been called "uncoachable". For example, last August when Athletics manager John Gibbons went to pull him from the mound, Lilly drew him into a fistfight, bloodying his nose. Boy, good thing Lou Pinella's so cool-headed, right? Er...right?
"You don't know where I been, Lou! You don't know where I've been!" -- Tyler Durden